Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
