who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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