Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
