well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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