apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Found your dick twin last night
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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