Your dad touched me again.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
