Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
