I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
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