saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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