yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
