awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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