I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
