look no pants
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
