the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
