i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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