your thong is hanging out like whoa
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize