a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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