There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
