Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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