Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
