i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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