Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
