your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
