My liver just broke up with me...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
