I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
