did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
even my farts smell like vagina
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
