the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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