3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
