So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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