Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Are we still banned from the library?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
