it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
