do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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