i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
