he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize