I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
