the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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