She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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