its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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