Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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