i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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