My room smells like vodka and shame
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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