When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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