Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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