How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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