John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
