I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
