Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
