i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
