To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize