What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
