wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
