If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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