sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
