No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
