all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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