Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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