God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
