Soap is not a condiment
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
